Cuz what follows is amazing.

This friend of mine, James, decided to fuck with Mr. Bobby, of previous okcupid letter infamy.  I welcome and encourage any psychological evaluations of this guy.  Whoo-eee.

James:  ”Glad you like my girlfriend. She is a pretty amazing woman. I’m not going to give you her name since you seem pretty creepy and may try to rape her when I am not in town. It starts with an A though, so you can probably find her if you go through the phone book enough. She showed me your profile in disgust but I think you did a halfway decent job with that letter until it became a Showtime after hours fake porn. Anyways, keep trying champ.”

Bobby:  ”I am pretty sure you were complimenting my work. So, thank you. I am just trying to distinguish between reality and fantasy in a space that exists in neither. I may have been harsh in my points but in this day and age points don’t get across unless they are stapled to the forehead. I don’t tend to half ass or beat around the bush with anything. The Showtime porn analogies were spot on, and intended as such. Don’t worry about me raping anyone because the willing can’t be raped. Besides, if I want something bad enough, it ends up being mine anyways. And if anyone should be deemed creepy, I’d take a good long look in the mirror Fabio.”

James:  ”One thing that is more funny than being called Fabio is seeing a fat dude brag about having sex for two hours. Something about your pictures says you would be that super red faced guy that looks like he is having a heart attack after five minutes every time he climbs up onto his next victim. Posting a picture of your supposed ex and commenting on her sexual prowess is pretty classy too. Girls really like braggarts. You are only 36 though so I’m pretty sure you will get out of puberty soon Tiger.”

Bobby:  ”Fat? Fat from it, douche. Go wash and condition your hair some more, or take some more pictures of your 6’4” 140lb. frame, because this “fat” guy is about to come and punish fuck you for two hours with my fist, slim. Make another comment about any girl in any picture of mine that you are pencil dicking too, and things will turn very bad very quick for you. Got it, chump. Don’t go there. Throw around your half ass attempts to insult me…fine, but start bringing in women you have and never will have the pleasure of knowing and i will break your fucking face, you got that tiger? You’ve been warned. Now leave it alone.”

James:  ”Wait are you defending the woman in the picture? Because I thought I was doing that by saying it is inappropriate to tell the world what great head she gives. Seems a little backwards. So lets not blow a blood vessel or anything lil’ guy.  Could you even reach my face to punch it? Or by “punish fuck you for two hours with my fist” did you mean my anus? Are you propositioning me? So many mixed messages. Take a minute, catch your breath, lose some more hair to male pattern baldness and figure out what the hell you are trying to say.”

It’s becoming startlingly clear that it’s not for me.  The creep factor is becoming impossible to ignore, and if I already wasn’t armored with 10 layers of caution tape, this one particular fellow woulda added a few more.  Not only did he send me this letter, he actually made the letter his entire profile… presumably to show other potential lady-targets what he’s made of.  Consider me freaked.  And consider okcupid now purely for comedic value.  Enjoy.

“Holy shit! Is this some sick sadistic joke by some pervert whose mommy didn’t give him enough attention because she was too busy fucking a different sleaze- bag every night while he had to listen to her moan in pain and smell the smell of her Marlboro red seeping through into his room next door? I mean I have only been involved in this cyber love search scam for but a minute, long enough to realize girls like you don’t exist. It seems to be filled with wanna be esoterics and meathead beefcakes and fat chicks. Not women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to ask let alone demand it. I thought the art of journal writing was lost and you come along and resurrect it. How very romantic. Just the thought of being with someone who preserves her thoughts for ever in a book, knowing every dirty little secret or sinful thought is in there never to be seen by anyone, is so deeply romantic. So wildly intriguing.

And then your starving artist comment made me stand up and holler out “Amen”. Having been in bands my whole life I know what it’s like to constantly hope for some big break that never comes, I was in a signed band, recorded an album in Philly, even did a music video, the whole deal, yet we were still starving so I said “fuck it” and I left to follow a path of owning a business and making real money and let the starving stop. Don’t get me wrong I admire those artists but I am far to motivated to walk that path for life. Though i will always be a musician at heart. Plus I never wanted to say “what if”. Oh yeah, Mazzy Star, got to play a benefit show with her, fell in love, she was amazing and taught me how to laugh at things that hurt you, how to be cynically optimistic and that letting your guard down for the right person is worth it even if you get hurt.

I have never felt inclined to respond to a profile or even read one more than once. But I skeptically decided to take a chance with the hopes yours is real. I also look for someone who has been in a long term relationship and believes in fidelity. Backrubs are good too! I can honestly say I have never cheated on any of my partners. But I have been very picky on who I let into my crazy world and when I give myself wholly to someone it is because they are usually someone I am inspired by or feel I can learn from and I never lose focus of that for some cheap thrill. Besides they usually have a nice ass anyways. But seriously fidelity and loyalty are the biggest traits I look for in a relationship. And a nice ass. I’ll tell you one thing is for sure, musicians are the best lovers in the world. Ever had a song or poem written for you? Ever been tongue kissed so passionately you came in your pants? Ever been fucked until you were too tired to fuck anymore? Ever had your pussy licked by someone who enjoyed it so much at did it so well, you couldn’t wait for it to happen again? If you have then I guarantee it was with a musician. I love to suck on a beautiful bald pair of cunt lips. There is nothing more satisfying than having your girlfriend squirm in pleasure while you are pulling her in tighter and tighter, and you are making out with her pussy passionately licking and tonguing and sucking until she bursts all over your face and then passes out as all of her stress and demons float away. Especially when you are in love with that person.

I love Love. Everything about it. Giving it and receiving it. wallowing in it. There is nothing more fulfilling. I could go on and on, but I should stop writing, although it is very therapeutic, Hopefully there is a real person on the other end of this, though I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all some sort of sick sociological joke. If you are real and not some teenage boy who posted a picture of his hot sister up. Then I would love the chance to concoct a scheme and a chance to entertain and make you laugh and maybe even be an entry in your journal. Then check out my profile and hit me back, the worst that could happen is you gain a friend for life. But the best thing that could happen might change your life. Plus I have a nice thick head of hair and baldness doesn’t run in my family. i ain’t no fucking pussy and I am as real as it gets. bye. If you feel comfortable chatting then call me ******* I am always up late.

Bobby”